Why Me?

I know I have so many things to be thankful for in my life. I have been blessed with opportunities many people don’t often receive. I have received many good things to be thankful for and I don’t necessarily feel like I have any right to complain. But, life isn’t perfect, and we all experience pain and suffering in different ways.

Why Me?

Let me be honest. One of the very first things that I struggled with upon my diagnosis was the “why me” question. It is an easy and natural thing to do. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was bitter and feeling like I didn’t deserve this kind of long-term suffering. I started to realize that my life may not be what I always imagined it to be. It may not be as easy and care-free as I had hoped it would be. My mind wandered down a rabbit hole of all the ways this COULD potentially impact my life.

There are approximately 1 million people in the United States with Multiple Sclerosis (and approximately 2.3 million people globally). At first, that feels like a large number, but then I remember that approximately 327 million people live in the United States, and I realize that I just won the lottery. Just not the lottery I wanted to win.

So, I circle back, and reask God the question, “why me?”. Why not someone else? What is the point to all this suffering? Did I do something to cause this to myself? Is there something that I should have done differently to stop this from happening to me? Why can’t I live a normal life, without a chronic illness, that my friends and family will get to experience?

My list of questions could go on and on. But, the most important question becomes, “Why not me?”

Why Not Me?

Life isn’t fair and we all experience pain and suffering in one way or another at some point in our lives.

When I started asking the “why me” question, I was choosing self-pity. It was weighing me down, making me angry, and causing me to feel hopeless. I was in a state-of-mind that I deserve better. But, we don’t get to pick and choose the type of suffering we will endure. And, I don’t believe that we cause all of our own pain and suffering. Sure, some of it may be our own fault, I won’t go into those instances, but usually, we are all dealt a card at some point that isn’t our fault.

I see my diagnosis as a new opportunity. An opportunity for me to change the way I have approached trails in my past. While I am not currently experiencing physical pain from MS, a new diagnosis of a chronic illness does present an emotional trial. New thoughts, new fears, and a new problem.

In the past, I may have hunkered down and pushed through the suffering, waiting until I reached the other side. I may have also chosen to be bitter and mad at God. I have also believed there was some way I could control my situation. I would reach out to Dr. Google in search of answers and sit and worry and think about all of the ways that maybe I could stop the pain from happening to me.

Not one of these ways to cope with my pain was healthy, or a solution.

Now is a great time for me to learn to stop trying to fix and solve my problems and fully lean in and trust God. I have no doubt that this is going to take practice, patience, and wisdom from friends. But, I hope that I can become a woman who doesn’t immediately ask God, “why me”, but rather calls out saying, “help me”.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Psalm 28:7

Rewards of Unwavering Faith

I recently met up with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a long time. She has suffered from Multiple Sclerosis along with other chronic illnesses for most of her life and she might be the most amazing, God-fearing woman I have ever encountered. She was telling me that when the time comes that I hit a relapse, it is going to be one of the most rewarding experiences.

STOP RIGHT THERE. What? Rewarding? Is this friend of mine crazy? She has endured some of the worst pain, the hardest sufferings, and yet, she would use the word “rewarding”? She has the greatest gift of all. Peace, comfort, and trust. Wow.

She went on to explain that when your body stops working or when your health declines, you have no other option but to turn to God and asking him to hold you, walk with you in the suffering, and free you from your pain. She told me that my relationship with God will be like it has never been before because I will be so desperate for Him.  

Wow, I hadn’t even considered how this might positively impact my life. That I can become that little girl running and leaping into her father’s arms. Asking Him to hold me, protect me, and heal me.

It is so important to remember that pain and suffering we endure today is temporary. We have eternal glory in our future that will remove pain and suffering forever. My hope is that I can live fearlessly and without bitterness.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18