My sister passed away a few weeks ago. It feels pretty surreal to say that. I honestly hadn’t been super close with my sister for the last several years and she was living down in Arizona, so I didn’t see her frequently. But, it still seems like I should be able to call her on the phone or send her a message anytime I want. I think somewhere deep down I know unfortunately it is true, I keep having new memories pop up and I feel like I am sharing stories of her and our childhood a lot lately, or at least I have been thinking of them. If you have a beautiful memory of my sister, I’d love you to share it!
Let me tell you, one Facebook post and one blog post does not and cannot fully celebrate or summarize someone’s life. In fact, as soon as I post this, I am sure I will find another beautiful photo of her or think of another fun memory that I wish I would have shared. However, it felt meaningful to share a few beautiful memories I have with my sister. Especially since who knows how long it will be before we get to celebrate her life in person with friends and family.
August 2, 1986 – October 28, 2020
Even though the last several years I grew apart from my sister, she was still my sister, or better yet, “sissy”. I called her sissy for years. Probably too long. I want to say we got to an age where it started to embarrass her so I had to start calling her Angie instead. She was the best big sister growing up and I was enamored with her. I wanted to spend every waking moment playing with her and being with her, so much so, that I would get a sleeping bag or blankets and sleep on the floor of her room almost every night (she was smart and didn’t let me sleep in the bed). We spent countless hours playing with our Polly Pockets, Pet Shop, and Beanie Babies. We spent summers out in our pool playing Marco Polo, going to the lake, and creating sidewalk chalk towns where we would ride our bikes to “McDonalds” and to each other’s houses. Even though we lived at the end of a cul-de-sac we insisted on hosting a lemonade and popcorn stand several summers. Our lucky neighbors had to come to support us because who else was going to buy our lemonade? We had so much fun. I have so many memories of playing with my sister.
As we got older and she became more interested in dancing and cheerleading, she made sure to include me, even though I was not as talented. I have a clear memory of her pulling out our cassette tape and teaching me a choreographed dance to “Tootsee Roll”. Keep in mind that I was probably about 5 or 6 years old, so I was thinking we were dancing to a song about candy. As we got older, we copied NSync choreographed dances, and even older she would just toss me up in the air for cheerleading practice. She was so fun to watch during cheer and dance routines. I remember going to her cheerleading competitions and being amazed by what all the cheerleaders could do. I can just picture my sister’s smile while cheerleading. She loved it and she had the biggest and best smile.
As we got older and she brought friends over to our house, she always included me. I always appreciated that they were willing to let me tag along. She was also good at encouraging me to make my own friends when the opportunity was available. To this day, I am grateful that my first youth retreat with our church youth group, when I felt alone and nervous, she was willing to include me, but she pulled me aside and lovingly and gently encouraged me to be brave and make some friends. I was on the verge of leaving the youth retreat before she gave me the nudge. Sometimes it is those big moments that I wonder, how could my life have been different had she not said something and I not trusted her? I’m so grateful that she loved me the way she did.
My sister was full of energy, laughter, and joy. She always found a way to make people laugh, and she had the best laugh herself. She was brave, bold, and willing to take risks. I also like to think she was more of the “trouble-maker” growing up (who knows, she might say the same about me). But, she seemed to always have the “good ideas” if you know what I mean. Several of her ideas I don’t even think I should share in fear of embarrassing my parents. It was good for me though. I needed a rule-breaker and someone to help push me to test the limits. Okay…twist my arm just a little bit. One laughable memory is when we would go to Orcas Island with my cousins and their families. My sister and my cousin Allison would like to get jump ropes, toys, play bugs, and put them in my parents’ bed to scare or surprise them when they climbed in bed. I guess it is possible Allison instigated that idea, but either way, these were the types of things that I wouldn’t have thought to do or been brave enough to try without my sister’s encouragement. I would be too nervous of the consequences. My parents were good sports.
My sister knew how to voice her opinion, and also, she was feisty. I remember one night at dinner my sister and my mom were in a disagreement about something, probably something stupid, and my sister threw a piece of food at my mom. My Dad and I were both ready for my mom to get mad, but instead, she started throwing food back. I remember my sister’s face lighting up and loving that my mom just leaned into it and they had a food fight. Who remembers or cares why they were disagreeing. Created a great memory for me.
I am not sure if she would be embarrassed by me sharing this next memory, but it is one that I feel captured the essence of my sister. In fact, when I went digging for this photo of her in an old photo album, my mom had an entire page dedicated to my sister’s silly faces. In high school, she somehow made up this weird pterodactyl face (that is what she called it). Imagine pulling your head in to make a double or triple chin, bulging eyes, and sticking your tongue out. She would run around with high knees and hands out ready to grab you. This wasn’t just a one-time thing. This pterodactyl face had to be around for at least a year. She just found the goofiest ways to make people laugh and smile. And maybe, for me at least, the best part is I just have this clear image of her doing this and then cracking up afterward. The best laugh.
I was incredibly sad when my sister went off to college. I was losing my best friend and someone that brought so much joy to my day. It was really hard to not have her around all the time, but even when I went to visit her in college, she included me with her friends. She had so much fun at Western that it convinced me to follow her and go there too. We even got to take one college music class together during her senior year and my freshman year. That was fun. Honestly, it was an “easy” class so we mostly found a way to carve out time to spend together. I was only up at Western for two years, but I was so thankful she was up in Bellingham both of those years. It was nice to know that she was close by if I ever needed anything or just to get off-campus.
I could go on and on sharing memories of my sister growing up. She was beautiful, smart, creative, and bold. Life did get a bit messy the last several years, but I always told her I loved her, and I know she loved me. I am terribly sad for her and her beautiful boys; that she cannot be here to be with them and see them grow old. I know she loved her boys with all her heart.
Grieving the loss of someone is never a linear process. It isn’t something that happens in a few days. There some days that hit harder than others. Some moments feel hard, and some easier. I do wish I was receiving more hugs, but Covid, I guess means that I have to grieve alone. I know there are a lot of people praying for me and my family, and that honestly means the world to me right now.
Prayer is so powerful.
I took the opportunity to have a few people from my church pray for me, my family, and my sister’s boys. It was healing to have others speak words of wisdom and truth from God into my life.
Also, I was having a hard time processing why God let my sister die the day she did because the morning that my sister died I was praying and asking God to reveal something to me. And, in that prayer session, I felt God nudging me to call my sister that day. I reached out and asked, but she was at an infusion in the afternoon. I called again later that evening and she was really not feeling well at all. My mom said that she would tell my sister that I loved her and that I tried to call and I would call again the next day. It was only a couple of hours later that my sister passed away. I was having a hard time with the fact that I could have had one last conversation with my sister and I missed it. I was reminded that most people do not get the opportunity to even call and have a message relayed just before their loved ones die. My sister died knowing that I loved her and tried to call. Maybe that was all that was needed.
My sister had some really tough things going on and I am thankful that she can be at peace now. I am imagining that she is in heaven, hugging Jesus (because goodness, we all need some big hugs right now), and dancing with her friend Jessica that she lost in High School. I am sure she is also enjoying time with my Grandpa and Grandma Losek. I love you, Angie, and can’t wait to be reunited with you in paradise. Hoping that maybe there is a beautiful beach we can bake out in the sun and read a good book next to each other again.
